It’s been exactly a week since Kelly got on a flight to Costa Ricca. The days between then and school letting out for the summer were something close to perfect. We spent nearly every day of that week together, setting up her new apartment, relishing in the fact that we could now cook with something other than a microwave (we’ve been living in the dorms for the last two years – they come ill equipped), and partying almost every night… with just the two of us, or an occasional trip to my hometown to party with my friends there. A lot of booze, one food processor, and a small bit of sanity were sacrificed – but it was worth it. We talked and talked, listened to music, smoked her hookah, and made plans for the summer. After the hellish drama that had gone on for the last year while living in the dorms, and having a couple of near-death experiences, that week was the most relaxing, best week of my existence. I know it’s a little mellow dramatic to put it that way, but in all honesty, it really was.
I miss her insanely. It sort of worries me – I became really codependent in my last relationship, until it was ripped out from underneath me. After much strife I was finally able to grow, move on, and tell the asshatter to fuck off when he tried coming back to me. Those were dark times in my life, but it allowed me to mature and know myself better. How I feel and am beginning to feel about this woman scares me. I think I’m afraid of falling in love again (though if I were being honest, I already have – I didn’t say that), afraid of being betrayed again, afraid of giving everything, sharing myself completely with another person, and having them walk away. I’m afraid of receiving nothing but another push towards being a bitter, heartless bitch in the face of relationships.
That aside, though, I miss seeing her, being able to talk to her, and touch her. I don’t think it would be so bad if it weren’t for the fact that I can’t call or text her whenever I feel like it – my only real communication is email and the off-chance that I’ll catch her signed into Windows Live.
She calls me occasionally – her family is very well off in Costa, and they can afford international calling – but every time she does, she apologizes and says that she feels like an idiot for missing me so much, and tells me that she has to resist the urge to call me more often. I wish she did, which I tell her, but I don’t think she believes I’m being sincere. She has some issues with self-worth, and though I try to ease her mind and make her feel better about herself, I know (from personal experience) that finding love and respect for yourself is a personal journey. It’s something we have to do for ourselves.
Fuck, I miss her so much.
Relationships are difficult… making them work is difficult. Every short term and extended relationship I have ever had has failed – I don’t know if it’s because of me, the other person, our levels of communication, or what. Technically I’ve never been dumped, it’s always been easy enough for me to walk away from all of them – with the exception of the last serious relationship before Kelly… that one hit me very hard. But I was still the one that initially walked away. I was with him for a little over 3 years…
I wonder if they’re worth it? Worth the time, energy, and pain. Is exposing yourself completely to another human being, to the point of vulnerability, really worth it? I think, if they in return do the same, and you’re standing before one another completely naked (metaphorically speaking, people), and you can still accept and love each other… then yes. But I have yet to have that happen.
I don’t know.
I’m afraid of being with Kelly, though I’m risking myself anyway. She doesn’t know the pain and torture of betrayal and heartbreak – I am her first real relationship – her heart hasn’t been hardened. My last serious relationship, the one that went on for 3 years, was with a boy that also had never seriously been with another person… and that one brought me very close to death. I know Kelly and Chris are two very (VERY) different people, and it isn’t fair to compare them, but I think it’s close to impossible not to. I see the similarities, the excitement over finally finding someone that understands, sees, and accepts you, the devotion, the mild dependence, the glittery eyed naivety and believe that you can do no wrong. I see it, and though I do think it’s worth the risk of myself to be with someone I believe to be one of the greatest people I know, it still scares me.
I’m afraid of destroying it. Of corrupting her. Of having her know just how far away from perfect I truly am… because I am very, very far away from perfection.
So is she, I know. I know her flaws; I know her temper, I know that she is prone to drinking and depression, I know she throws tantrums and hits walls hard enough to split her knuckles. I know she doesn’t know what it’s like to struggle, I know that almost everything has been handed to her. I know that when she is sad, or angry, instead of facing the person and the issue, she shuts down and walks away – she waits until she’s alone to react. But I love her for those flaws – they are a part of who she is, just as her merits are. She is an awesome, beautiful, intelligent, selfless person.
Anyway, I’m scarred shitless. I’ve been with people since Chris, but not anything serious. This is the first time I’ve opened myself and my world to another person since him.
I don’t know. I do know.
I think the pain of it not working, of being hurt and having my heart ripped out before my eyes, is worth the joy and comfort of it working out. I guess that’s the question it all comes down to. Holding your breath and taking the risk of the jump.
-Nyn
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